One of the truest signs of an office worker is the number of drinks you have at your desk.
Objectively speaking, you would think any normal human needs only one type of hydration at your desk to meet your biological need for water.
You would be wrong.
A true office worker needs a minimum of three beverages, with the number being dictated by the number of times you want to get up to go to the kitchen as a break, along with the number of flavor profiles your bored mind (and apparently, palette) desires to experience in any given day.
There is a scientifically confirmed, inverse relationship between the workload of the day and the number of different flavored drinks you will have*. The slower the day, the more flavors you need to supplement the lack of mental stimulation from work. Conversely, the busier you are, the fewer drinks you’ll have. Just water? It must be one BUSY day (NOTE: there is also the stress-induced hoarding of beverages that makes you think “the more beverages I grab, the more work I’ll be able to accomplish).
The one known categorical exception to this hard and fast rule is caffeinated beverages since every office worker knows that caffeination is a mean of survival. Staying in the vein of scientific analysis, if you were to plot this as a graph of energy level against liquid volume consumed when tired, you would see water intake take a dive but coffee intake rising, in order to 1) stay afloat at work and 2) keep you from being fired because you can’t keep your life together.
Fourth quarter, we tip our hats to your annual challenge. And coffee, we thank you for your saving grace.
*Statistics have not been backed by any credible sources and should not be taken as professional advice. Consult your doctor before any significant increase in caffeine intake.
** this announcement has been brought to you by the Coalition of Office Workers for a Caffeinated America.