The Unfortunate Nature of Private Business Made Public

Corporate life is no place to experience privacy.

It just isn’t.

If you thought it was going to be, you have bigger issues to worry about. Like how you’re going to keep your job with limited intelligence. Or how you plan to survive life with a lack of understanding of what the real world is like.

And nothing is more awkward than having to go number 2 in the number 1 place you hoped you would never have to: the office.

Here are the main complaints I lodge about having to do the private duty in the public space:

  1. People don’t understand the rules of the road – if you have three empty stalls, your moral obligation as a human is to choose either outside stall, thus leaving the next unfortunate work pooper the option to choose the stall at the other end, leaving a spacer stall in between. Unfortunately, most co workers seem to prefer being cozied up next to me. Like being cuddled up makes the experience better for any of us. Except it doesn’t. So stay away! K thanks.
  2. There isn’t enough air flow – one week the A/C went out in both bathrooms. Warm, stagnant bathroom air. You know exactly what that means. Welcome to my hell.
  3. It’s too quiet – why is it that Starbucks can have a sound track while I wait for my $5 beverage but I can’t get a little background music to help cut the tension while I’m trying to focus?  The last thing I want to hear is someone next to me who is going THROUGH it. And music would drown out the sound of people who mumble to themselves – yeah. That’s a thing.

So those of you who are courageous enough to brave the Whiz Palace for a longer stay, I salute you. You are my hero. But also, if you’re the one who is cozying up next to me in the stalls while other ones are open, you best watch your back. I’m coming for you.

The Office - Michael Scott - Just Poopin, You Know How I Be.gif

Photo: NBC


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